What, you thought we’d talk about tired religious stereotypes in this Hanukkah piece? Think again.

Let’s talk about what really matters: how to pigeonhole the tunes you’re jamming out to when nobody is watching, based on a totally relevant piece of information about the Jewish holiday that’s just starting. So whip out your headphones, pull up your Spotify Wrapped (wait, shoot, unless that’s anti-Semitic now?), and get ready to be awestruck by the fortune-telling power of…spelling.

Hanukkah

You love Taylor Swift and are elated (heartbroken) that you did(n’t) get to see her recent tour. Or was it Beyoncé? Your spelling of Hanukkah is likely to neither surprise nor offend. Same with your music tastes, clearly.

Chanuka

You’re okay with people wildly mispronouncing the first consonant, which is why you’re obviously into indie rock. It’s just a little edgy, but not that much, right? This is the Aaron Dessner of spellings: it’s been kind of in the background for a while, and periodically, it comes back into the spotlight in a surprising way that not everyone likes but feels pretty authentic or something.

Xanuka

You know that the Hebrew letter het is represented as an x in IPA, and you also know the entire discography of Miles Davis back-to-front. Dozens of albums across a dizzying array of jazz subgenres? No sweat. (Yes, those are puns on Dizzy and Steamin’, thank you for noticing.)

Ḥanuqah

Not being content with European classical music, you’ve mastered traditional Arabic music. Mere mortals have no idea where the q came from or what the dot under the H means, but you can discourse on the drawbacks of musical systems that aren’t based on improvisation. Sure, you enjoy Bach once in a while (or should I say Baḥ?), but you’re just waiting until maqam goes mainstream, and then everyone will love you.

Khanike

Second-wave anarcho-socialist klezmer punk. This one is plain obvious.

Hanuká

As you write out this Judeo-Spanish spelling, you’re definitely queueing up some melodic screamo. Maybe the cacophony washing over you reminds you of the Mediterranean waves lapping onto the shore of Thessaloniki, whose Sephardic Jewish community was eradicated by the Holocaust. Or maybe you’re just angry. Actually, probably both.

Christmas

Wait a second, what are you doing here?! But Wagner. Definitely Wagner.

חֲנֻכָּה‎

Since you’re going around writing Hebrew letters everywhere, hardly anyone in the US will understand you, but at least you’ve lived your truth — which is why it’s clear that you love Eurovision. It’s not the silly costumes or sets that most capture your heart, but the national cultures. Keep sending those videos to your friends that they’ll never watch. I’m sure they’ll get it someday.