Mazal Tov! You’re invited to a B-Mitzvah!
Bar / Bat Mitzvah is the Jewish celebration and ritual of coming of age, and it is celebrated at the age of 13 (in some communities girls will become Bat-Mitzvah at the age of 12). Attending a B-Mitzvah without knowing how to act might be an awkward or uncomfortable event.
Not sure what to expect? Here’s a guide to help you feel comfortable and enjoy the day!
Here, you’ll get answers to questions like:
What do I wear? (formal)
What to expect? (a ritual in the synagogue followed by a party)
How should I act? (be respectful, keep quiet, and listen)
Should I bring a gift to a B-Mitzvah?
In Israel, celebrating B-Mitzvah is a bit different. The cultural difference is reflected throughout the event: the dress code in Israel is less formal, there are additional customs in the synagogue during the service, and sometimes there are significant differences in the way the event is celebrated by gender.
Since the terms in Hebrew are gendered, you might see this event referred to as a Bar-Mitzvah for boys and Bat-Mitzvah for girls. It has become more common to refer to this event as a B-Mitzvah, to make it gender-neutral. For this piece, I will use the term B-Mitzvah.
What is a B-Mitzvah?
Every child who reaches the age of 13 becomes responsible and obligated to observe the Mitzvot, the commandments, according to Jewish law. A B-Mitzvah is the celebration to mark this moment. Children up to this age are not expected or obligated to keep the commandments, but once they reach this age, they are considered adults. As a result, the responsibility for keeping the commandments rests with them and no longer with their parents.
Being a guest at B-Mitzvah means you’re invited to celebrate the transition from being a child to becoming a mature and responsible grown-up.
What should you wear?
The dress code varies from congregation to congregation, but it will lean towards being more formal and not everyday clothes. Imagine going to the theater, this should give you a good idea of the dress code. Men and boys are generally expected to cover their heads and wear a hat or a kippah. Women are welcome but not obligated to do so in most communities. If you don’t have a kippah, no worries! You can usually find a basket with kippahs at the entrance foyer or entering the sanctuary.
Learn more about appropriate clothes in synagogue by clicking here.
How should you act?
Surprisingly, there is no need to arrive at the synagogue on time. The prayer start time as stated in the invitation, is usually intended for people who pray regularly and want to attend the entire prayer service.
It is entirely appropriate to arrive at the synagogue about 30-60 minutes after the prayer start time, just in time for the TorahRefers to the first five books of the Hebrew Bible, the Tanakh, also called the Five Books of Moses, Pentateuch or the Hebrew equivalent, Humash. This is also called the Written Torah. The term may also refer to teachings that expound on Jewish tradition. reading – the main part of the event. If you are interested in following along, you can take a Siddur (prayer book) from off the shelf or from behind your seat. The page in the Siddur will usually be announced from time to time.
Find a place to sit, try to listen, and if speaking, please use a soft or quiet voice. Pay attention to what is happening on the bimah in the center or in the front of the room – where you will find the rabbi, the cantor, and the B-Mitzvah kid. During prayer there are parts where the congregation is asked to stand – this will be announced from the bimah as well. Throughout the Tefillot (prayers) there is singing and chanting. Most services are participatory, so if you are familiar with the words, you’re more than welcome to join.
One of the most central parts is when the B-Mitzvah kid is called to and reads from the Torah. This is a very moving moment, which the B-Mitzvah kid prepared for for a long time. In most communities, The family, congregation and guests, will celebrate the success of this part by singing a joyous song (Siman Tov u’Mazel Tov) and throwing candy in honor of the B-Mitzvah kid.
Sometime during the service, the teenager will give a short sermon talking about the weekly Torah portion, their connection to the Torah, and the meaning of this moment. It is common that other speakers will say something too: the rabbi, the parents, and sometimes other family or community members. Sometimes the sermon takes place immediately after reading of the Torah, at the end of the service, or at the festive meal after the service.
What happens after the service?
Following services, there is a light meal called Kiddush. At the end of the service the rabbi will say a blessing for the wine, and everyone will move and gather in another hall (other than the prayer hall) to eat. When the meal ends, the event is over.
Besides the event in the synagogue, it is common for the family to host a private party. The party will take place on the same day or on a different day. There are no traditional or religious customs to the party, but rather reflecting the local culture and community.
Should I bring a gift?
Bringing a gift is more appropriate at the party and not at the synagogue, since gifts are often money and we don’t carry or transact money on shabbat. Since it might change between families and communities, the best thing to do is to ask the parents of the B-Mitzvah what will be an appropriate gift and when will be the best time and place to bring it.
A B-Mitzvah is a joyous event filled with tradition, family, and community. Dressing respectfully, arriving for the Torah reading, and engaging in the celebration will ensure you enjoy and honor this special day.
